Leah.

I’m going to call her Laney. Laney is such a pretty name. I remember watching a movie when I was in my teens and the main character was called Laney. I loved the name from the very first time I heard it. I knew I would call my daughter Laney.

But if he is a boy, I’m going to call him Dylan. I don’t know why I’m drawn to that name but I am. I can picture him in dungarees and wellies, searching for pretty stones in mud. Calling out to his dad whenever he finds something.

Their dad, my boyfriend is perfect. He’s funny, smart, so so handsome and he loves me. He respects me and supports me and motivates me. I feel like the luckiest girl in the world that I’ve met him and made him mine. He totally gets me and I totally get him.

That’s why this isn’t a big deal. It might seem like a big deal but honestly it isn’t. I know he wants this, he wants to be a dad, for us to have a family together. He would make a wonderful dad, he deserves to be a dad, to be given the opportunity. I want to give him that opportunity. Maybe a litter sooner than he would like but I know him. I know he wants this.

I’ve waited and waited for him to say he’s ready. He always finds something that we need to do or have before we can have a baby. He says we need to be prepared, we need more money saved up, we need to have another holiday just us two, we need to be at a certain point in our careers.

Well I’m ready. I’ve been ready for years and I know he is too really, he’s just scared. Of course its just nerves, anxiety about the responsibility. I know he’s ready too, he just needs a little push.

I read about this happening to a girl by accident. She was removing her menstrual cup and her coil came right out with it. The strings of her coil must have gotten caught when she squeezed the cup. It happens occasionally, mostly under those circumstances. Reading that article gave me hope.

I can’t have my coil removed at my doctors, the less people who know about this the better. It wouldn’t be right, there would be a chance someone would see me, he would find out. No, this way is better. I’ve already made up my mind. I’m going to pull it out myself. I’ll do it in the shower tonight. The running water will muffle any noise and wash away any blood. Afterwards I’ll empty the bins. They get collected tomorrow morning so any evidence will be destroyed. This is the best way. I’m so excited. He’s going to be so happy.

Photo by Annie Spratt